What's At Stake?
The impression that family courts (which basically means the majority of people who are working in and making decisions in the family courts) give is that there are zero downsides or hazards to co parenting. It's all upside. And if they hold that view, then of course they continue to demand and push for co parenting for almost every situation. Unfortunately for children and abuse victims, the premise that family courts are operating on is wrong-- very, very wrong. "One parent is as good as another" is an all too common view in family courts and it lulls them into the belief that there aren't really any wrong answers in custody as long as they get the couple to "co parent".
The reality is that people who are not capable of caring for children get primary custody because family courts require little, if any, objective information and refuse to accept that one or both parents in a custody situation might be violent, abusive, or incapable of taking care of the children. Some parents in a divorce are not people who are willing to prioritize their children or other's safety and wellbeing. Take these cases for example.
Shirley Ann Duguay-- In 1994 Shirley Ann Duguay was murdered by her partner Douglas Beamish when they had a disagreement about custody of their children. "I lost control," said Beamish, now bald with a white beard hanging down to his chest, and wearing a blue T-shirt for the hearing. "I didn't think of the consequences of what my actions were going to be." https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/prince-edward-island/pei-doug-beamish-parole-1.7344995
"Information on file describes you as a controlling, manipulative and an abusive partner in your intimate relationships. You have acknowledged that you had difficulty controlling your anger and walking away from conflict situations, and that you could be impulsive," the Parole Board of Canada's written decision reads https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/prince-edward-island/doug-beamish-released-2025-halfway-house-1.7591226
If Beamish's assault hadn't ended in Duguay's murder and he had sought custody in a family court, especially in the 21st century, he may have been considered a candidate for coparenting, despite his "manipulative, controlling, abusive" behavior and that he "didn't think of the consequences" for his actions. Again, domestic violence towards the other parent often isn't viewed as a problem for custody or coparenting if both parents are alive.
Kristy Ragsdale-- Kristy Ragsdale was shot 10 times at close range by her estranged husband, David Ragsdale, as she was leaving church on the morning of her 30th birthday, January 6, 2008. She had served him with divorce papers three days prior to the murder. Kristy had requested a restraining order because her husband had threatened to kill her. In her court documents she described the incident:
"David Ragsdale had moved out of the couple's Lehi home on Oct. 30, but she described in court documents an incident on Dec. 3 when she said her husband came to the home and persuaded their son to unlock the door.
He "came in screaming profanities and telling us to get out of his house," she wrote. He called police and asked them to throw his sister and her mom out of the home along with the children.
Ragsdale's brother John and one of his sisters arrived at the home, and Kristy Ragsdale wrote that her husband told them "he had a gun in the car and that he could use that to take care of things and refered (sic) to his gun more than once."'
The temporary restraining order had protected Kristy, her mother and the couple's two children, but on December 20th she agreed to drop the temporary restraining order in exchange for a mutual restraining order as part of the divorce proceedings.
Clearly the mutual restraining order wasn't enough to protect her.
Jared Bridegan-- Jared Bridegan was shot to death in front of his two year old daughter after dropping off his ten year old twins to their mother, Shanna Gardner Fernandez. The couple had had ongoing litigation in court over money and custody after their divorce. Gardner Fernandez has been arrested for orchestrating a murder-for-hire plot to kill her ex husband. Once Bridegan was dead, Gardner Fernandez cut off all contact between her Bridegan's twins and their stepmother and half siblings.
"According to the Times-Union, the Bridegans’ custody lawsuit later argued that the Gardners helped Shanna flee from Florida after the murder and that the Gardners were not allowing the twins any contact with Bridegan’s widow, Kirsten, or their half-siblings.
Kirsten Bridegan shared a reaction to the court’s decision on the JusticeForJaredB Instagram page, saying, “This isn’t what Jared would have wanted and this isn’t what I want, but some things are out of my control/ability to influence or correct.”
Again, the emphasis on geography often becomes the deciding factor in custody cases since "one parent" (or in this case set of grandparents) is as good as another. Because Shanna Gardner Fernandez was able to take the children to another state, the geography factor kicks in and the "don't make the children move" philosophy takes over. The circumstances under which the Gardners came to be in custody of the children are questionable and suspicious and it sounds like they have not been supportive of the children seeing their father's family, but the prospect of the children moving seems to be perceived as the the worst possible outcome-- worse than them having little contact with their half siblings, stepmother and paternal grandparents.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jared-bridegan-murder-shanna-gardner-charged-killing-microsoft-executive/
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/ex-wife-murder-jared-bridegan-microsoft-florida-rcna100536
https://www.news4jax.com/news/local/2024/12/06/court-ends-custody-battle-between-grandparents-says-jared-bridegans-twins-will-stay-with-jailed-ex-wifes-family/
Kayden Mancuso-- Kayden Mancuso was murdered by her father after her mother and stepfather asked that all visitation with him be supervised because of past violent behavior. Jeffrey Mancuso, Kayden's biological father, had a criminal record that included multiple assault charges in multiple states and had verbally abused and attempted to strangle Kayden's mother. Because none of his violent behavior had been directed towards a child, though, the courts said that supervised visitation was not necessary. Kayden had a strong bond with her father and talked about how much she loved him (note that this is something that co parenting classes say is a reason that co parenting should continue even with a parent who is abusive). After murdering her, Jeffrey Mancuso committed suicide.
""His hate for Kayden moving forward, getting so excited about the new house and the puppy and her new room, he was spiraling out of control," Allyson Mancuso said.
"Jeffrey Mancuso represented himself in court at the custody hearing in front of Judge Jeffrey Trauger and, Kathy Sherlock said, 'it was a circus.' Jeff is attacking Kathy with all of these accusations and it wasn't like, it wasn't procedure," Brian Sherlock said. And the judge, they said, allowed it. The Sherlocks said Jeffrey Mancuso also lashed out at Kathy outside of court, calling the police on her over and over again. 'He called the police station 30, 40 times demanding that they go to my house and get Kayden,' she said. 'The police actually had to go back to him and say, "If you continue to harass us you're going to be filed for charges,' because he wouldn't leave them alone.' The Sherlocks said Jeffrey Mancuso had also grown violent towards his mother, and physically assaulted her in front of Kayden at one point. A little over a year into the custody battle, Kayden’s mother, now desperate to keep her child safe, filed for a restraining order against Mancuso, but she said her complaints fell on deaf ears. 'I tried everything,' Kathy Sherlock said. 'The police were like, 'well he's not hurting you.' They were all about abuse and neglect. If I couldn't prove that he was abusing me, which ... sure I ... I had records from months before but, 'no one's going to listen to you… why didn’t you do anything then?"' In the court-ordered psychiatric evaluation, Kathy was seemed to have anxiety, but Jeffrey Mancuso was diagnosed with "major depressive disorder, moderate with anxious disorder," and identified with "narcissistic and antisocial personality traits." 'They also said he had no remorse and took no responsibility for any of his actions, which that's scary because that means you're capable of anything,' Kathy Sherlock said. A custody evaluator recommended to the judge that Jeffrey Mancuso’s visitation should be unsupervised only if he received mental health treatment. But while the judge advised Mancuso to get help, he awarded him unsupervised visits with no mandatory mental health treatment."
This is the reason that judges, custody evaluators and the other people who work in the family court system or teach co parenting classes need training. Even when a psychiatric evaluation reveals that the parent is mentally unstable and has a record of violent, abusive behavior, judges don't see it as a risk to children and the custody evaluator didn't see a reason to stop unsupervised visits in the immediate term. There was no call to get a psychiatrist or comparable mental health professional to provide proof of that this man's mental health problems were under control before he had unsupervised time with the child. In fact, the antics that unbalanced parents do to get control over the child and the other parent are often seen as "proof" that they want to be involved in their child's life. People who work in coparenting businesses and in family courts do not connect the dots between unstable behavior and unstable parenting. Their primary focus is often on allowing visitation for the unbalanced parent instead of protecting the child and abuse victims. Again, family courts and coparenting coaches, teachers, etc. will typically present coparenting as all upside and sidestep the reality that it can cost children their lives. Family courts and people in related fields need to face up to one very simple truth: abuse is not love. When a parent is abusing the other parent to get to the children, that's not love.
https://abcnews.go.com/US/mother-stepdad-year-slain-murder-suicide-hope-death/story?id=57613909
Uta von Schwedler-- Pediatrician John Brickman Wall was convicted of killing his ex-wife cancer researcher Uta von Schwedler in September 2011 amidst a bitter custody dispute. She was found drowned in a bathtub with Xanax in her system. Wall maintains he is the victim in the case, but he had demonstrated suspicious behavior in the aftermath of the murder and had obtained a maximum dose of Xanax four months prior to the murder that he claimed was for his mother, but which she never received. His family say he was a loving father who had suffered by being separated from his children.
https://kutv.com/news/local/wall-found-guilty-of-murdering-ex-wife-uta-von-schwedler#:~:text=Von%20Schwedler%20was%20found%20dead,her%20and%20then%20drowned%20her.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/utah-pediatrician-sentenced-in-ex-wifes-death/
Eric Richins-- While the details about Eric and Kouri Richins's marriage have been a subject of debate, there were clearly problems. Eric Richins consulted a divorce attorney in October 2020, but ultimately decided not to proceed with divorce, though he made financial arrangements that cut Kouri out of his will and provided a trust for their three boys, who by all accounts Eric was very close with. In January 2022, Kouri Richins consulted with a divorce attorney and the law office refunded her retainer fee. Eric Richins's family and friends say that on Valentines Day 2022, Kouri made him a sandwich and he quickly became violently ill after one bite, having a sudden allergic reaction to what may have been fentanyl. In March 2022, Kouri made Eric a Moscow mule cocktail and he was quickly dead from fentanyl poisoning. He had five times the amount of lethal dose in his body at the time of death. Kouri Richins is being tried for financial fraud for forging her husband's name on loan applications along with his murder. Before her arrest, she wrote and promoted a children's book about grief.
The von Schwedler and Richins cases are just a couple of examples of parents who were in the process of divorce where murder happened. There are parents who will kill to keep custody, and that isn't love, it's control. There are many, many other parents who won't resort to killing the other parent but will use character assassination and false allegations of abuse and neglect to get their way. These are the people who end up in contested custody cases, not parents who are just emotional because of the divorce. There are dangerous people that are involved in these contested custody cases and most of the family courts do not acknowledge the risks and force the parents to keep interacting.
https://abcnews.go.com/US/kouri-richins-utah-mom-preliminary-hearing-trial/story?id=113162974
https://www.kpcw.org/summit-county/2024-04-16/kouri-richins-consulted-with-divorce-attorney-prior-to-husbands-death
https://www.wafb.com/2023/05/19/kids-book-author-accused-husbands-killing-changed-life-insurance-policies-prosecutors-say/
In January of 2020 31 year old Shea Briar was shot and later died. Briar's ex-fiance and mother of their child (and day care worker), Esther Jane Stephen and one of the high school students Stephen used to coach in softball, Shelby Hiestand, were convicted of the murder. The two had previously attempted to poison Briar as well. According to family and friends, after breaking off the engagement, Stephen refused to let Briar see their daughter. When Briar got a lawyer and filed a petition to establish paternity, provide support and have custody a schedule, Stephen became acrimonious. Family and friends say that she told him he would regret it and made it clear that she would not agree to share custody of their daughter. She told a friend that she had laced a drink with ibuprofen and given to Briar. She seemed to be spending a great deal of time with Hiestand and apparently convinced Hiestand to join her in her plot against Briar. This is yet another example of a parent who doesn't want to share custody and is unbalanced enough to resort to murder to get their way. As in the Bridegan case, the mother's family got custody of the child and Briar's family only get to see her once a month. The fact that the mother was convicted of murder and as refusing to let the father see her doesn't seem to have any bearing on the choice of guardians. There hasn't been a great deal of discussion about the grandparents' role in the custody and whether they were encouraging Stephen to agree to custody, but the situation seems questionable enough to warrant examination, especially in a case such as this. However, the courts may have been operating under the idea that whoever the child was seeing the most must continue to be primary guardian, which means that whether a party gets the child or children through ethical or questionable means, the child would stay with them. Again, the "one parent (or grandparent) is as good as another" philosophy might be at play here and if murder lands the child with the murderer's parents, the courts seem to consider that an acceptable way to gain custody based on their decisions in these cases.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/shea-briar-murder-ej-stephen-shelby-hiestand-indiana-48-hours/
Mike Day Jocko Podcast episode 241-- Mike Day described his childhood abuse at the hands of his father on Jocko Podcast episode 241. His father was physically abusive to his mother and she divorced him. She later remarried and when she did, Mike's father sought custody. Mike's memories are from his childhood and he didn't fully understand what was going on, but based on his recollections it sounds like his father made allegations of sexual abuse against his stepfather. Mike grew up in the 1970s and suspects that the judge may have been prejudiced against his stepfather because his stepfather was Black and Mike's mother was White and that may have contributed to the decision for the judge to give his father full physical and legal custody of him and his brother despite his father being a proven batterer. (However, statistics show that it is not unusual for batterers to get significant custody though and co parenting classes don't feel that domestic violence is a problem for parents in a divorce, so Mike's experience was sadly not exceptional.) After their father received custody of them, Mike and his brother didn't see their mother, stepfather and half brother until they were teenagers. Mike's father and stepmother brutally abused Mike and his brother until his father died.
So, the health, safety and welfare of children and parents are at stake. Deciding custody is not "one parent is as good as another" and clinging to the fantasy that both parents will decide to do what is best for the children and won't be abusive will lead to harm.
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