What's at Stake?

 The impression that family courts (which basically means the majority of people who are working in and making decisions in the family courts) give is that there are zero downsides or hazards to co parenting. It's all upside. And if they hold that view, then of course they continue to demand and push for co parenting for almost every situation. Unfortunately for children and abuse victims, the premise that family courts are operating on is wrong-- very, very wrong. "One parent is as good as another" is an all too common view in family courts and it lulls them into the belief that there aren't really any wrong answers in custody as long as they get the couple to "co parent". 

The reality is that people who are not capable of caring for children get primary custody because of family courts require little, if any, objective information and refuse to accept that one or both parents in a custody situation might be violent, abusive, or incapable of taking care of the children. Some parents in a divorce are not people who are willing to prioritize their children or other's safety and wellbeing:

Shirley Ann Duguay-- In 1994 Shirley Ann Duguay was murdered by her common law husband when they had a disagreement about custody of their children.

Jared Bridegan-- Jared Bridegan was shot to death in front of his two year old daughter after dropping off his ten year old twins to their mother, Shanna Gardner Fernandez. The couple had had ongoing litigation in court over money and custody after their divorce. Gardner Fernandez has been arrested for orchestrating a murder-for-hire plot to kill her ex husband. Once Bridegan was dead, Gardner Fernandez cut off all contact between her Bridegan's twins and their stepmother and half siblings.

Kayden Mancuso-- Kayden Mancuso was murdered by her father after her mother and stepfather asked that all visitation with him be supervised because of past violent behavior. Jeffrey Mancuso, Kayden's biological father, had a criminal record that included multiple assault charges in multiple states and had verbally abused and attempted to strangle Kayden's mother. Because none of his violent behavior had been directed towards a child, though, the courts said that supervised visitation was not necessary. Kayden had a strong bond with her father and talked about how much she loved him (note that this is something that co parenting classes say is a reason that co parenting should continue even with a parent who is abusive). After murdering her, Jeffrey Mancuso committed suicide 

Uta von Schwedler-- Pediatrician John Brickman Wall was convicted of killing his ex-wife cancer researcher Uta von Schwedler in September 2011 amidst a bitter custody dispute. She was found drowned in a bathtub with Xanax in her system. Wall maintains he is the victim in the case, but he had demonstrated suspicious behavior in the aftermath of the murder and had obtained a maximum dose of Xanax four months prior to the murder that he claimed was for his mother, but which she never received. His family say he was a loving father who had suffered by being separated from his children. 

Eric Richins-- While the details about Eric and Kouri Richins's marriage have been a subject of debate, there were clearly problems. Eric Richins consulted a divorce attorney in October 2020, but ultimately decided not to proceed with divorce, though he made financial arrangements that cut Kouri out of his will and provided a trust for their three boys, who by all accounts Eric was very close with. In January 2022, Kouri Richins consulted with a divorce attorney and the law office refunded her retainer fee. Eric Richins's family and friends say that on Valentines Day 2022, Kouri made him a sandwich and he quickly became violently ill after one bite, having a sudden allergic reaction to what may have been fentanyl. In March 2022, Kouri made Eric a Moscow mule cocktail and he was quickly dead from fentanyl poisoning. He had five times the amount of lethal dose in his body at the time of death. Kouri Richins is being tried for financial fraud for forging her husband's name on loan applications along with his murder. Before her arrest, she wrote and promoted a children's book about grief.

This is in addition to cases that luckily don't result in death, but result in harm to the children or other spouse through abuse and/or neglect.

Mike Day Jocko Podcast episode 241-- Mike Day described his childhood abuse at the hands of his father on Jocko Podcast episode 241. His father was physically abusive to his mother and she divorced him. She later remarried and when she did, Mike's father sought custody. Mike's memories are from his childhood and he didn't fully understand what was going on, but based on his recollections it sounds like his father made allegations of sexual abuse against his stepfather. Mike grew up in the 1970s and suspects that the judge may have been prejudiced against his stepfather because his stepfather was Black and Mike's mother was White and that may have contributed to the decision for the judge to give his father full physical and legal custody of him and his brother despite his father being a proven batterer. (However, statistics show that it is not unusual for batterers to get significant custody though and co parenting classes don't feel that domestic violence is a problem for parents in a divorce, so Mike's experience was sadly not exceptional.) After their father received custody of them, Mike and his brother didn't see their mother, stepfather and half brother until they were teenagers. Mike's father and stepmother brutally abused Mike and his brother until he died.

I personally know of a case where the father was able to use false claims of neglect to get school custody of the children. He was able to hide his lack of permanent address and lack of employment because everything he said about housing and finances was simply accepted by the judge and mediators and no one required him to show any documentation. The children ended up being shuffled around between several Air BnBs and one of the children (who was disabled) ended up with gangrene and stage three foot ulcers. CPS was called but did nothing. The mother showed the medical documentation in court and the judge made no changes to custody.

So, the health, safety and welfare of children and parents are at stake. Deciding custody is not a "one parent is as good as another" and clinging to the fantasy that both parents will decide to what is best for the children and won't be abusive will lead to harm.